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Are we together?
2 min read
I'm having trouble understanding you or where you are trying to come from. We have been around each other for such lengthy amounts of time that I can hear you speak before your mouth opens. I want to know how to make this better. How can I fix something I don't know how to fix? What can I do to make you smile again? Can I ever make this better? Am I even worth the time it would take?
Why has it gotten this bad? I have so many things to ask you but even, "Hello" is becoming hard to manage. I can barely look at you, I know you feel the same way sometimes. It was the shouting I think; that made everything so terrible.
I don't expect anyone to really understand this anymore then I could really understand their problems. I don't care if anyone reads this at all either, I just want to get this out somewhere and writing is not an option. My hands are slick with sweat and shaking terribly. I can't focus but my hands just keep typing. I want these things to reach you some day I want you to know what I am thinking. I want... I want so much that cannot and will not happen. Am I doing this to myself as punishment? Do I really deserve this?!
I need time, I need so much time.
Why has it gotten this bad? I have so many things to ask you but even, "Hello" is becoming hard to manage. I can barely look at you, I know you feel the same way sometimes. It was the shouting I think; that made everything so terrible.
I don't expect anyone to really understand this anymore then I could really understand their problems. I don't care if anyone reads this at all either, I just want to get this out somewhere and writing is not an option. My hands are slick with sweat and shaking terribly. I can't focus but my hands just keep typing. I want these things to reach you some day I want you to know what I am thinking. I want... I want so much that cannot and will not happen. Am I doing this to myself as punishment? Do I really deserve this?!
I need time, I need so much time.
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Hello, I'm new.
5 min read
I don't know what to say but I feel like I should say something. I hope some of my items sell. Um... that isn't a good statement is it? I've never sold anything of mine before and a friend suggested I try Deviant Art out. I am nothing like a professional photographer or anything; I just take a lot of photographs because I will forget the things I see from day to day. I can remember most things, things I really need thankfully like eating when my stomach cramps or that I need at least 40 minutes of sun a day, I've had people ask me if I forget those things. I think I would be in a hospital though if I forgot stuff like having to eat. I have two friends who help me take care of myself. Lately though, my health hasn't been very good and the bills are starting to pile. Only one of my friends has a job while my other friend is trying his hardest to find anything in our area but the out look is bleak. There just isn't enough stuff around here to keep someone employed for more then a month or so. We live in a small apartment suite that is really only made for one person. I am blessed to have not only both of them but a little furry friend as well, we call her Raven after the woman who found her had named her. It fits her. She is very big in her personality and actions but still she gets spooked like I do. She is a lot braver then me though I can say that with all certainty. I want to start selling my pictures for other people to cherish. I am actually blushing at the thought. I'm 29 and I'm blushing! It's nice to be honest.
People ask me what kind of memory problems I have specifically so I will try to answer that here. Hopefully people will read at least this bit and I will not have to repeat it too much (although with how many times I have had to talk about it in the last 6 years it has helped me remember my speech! lol)
Years ago I had a massive panic attack. My brain was under a lot of unusual stress and on top of that we were in the middle of a drought, we had no food and I had been drinking heavily. My best friend had just lost his mother and a few months before that, I said goodbye to my father. I was 19 at the time. Mentally I was not prepared for everything that happened. I was too young to understand that I was dealing with my feelings the wrong way and was actually making things worse. Basically what happened is this. My brain told my body I was dying, very fast. I was unable to comprehend this. My blood started to rocket through me as my pulse went too fast suddenly. My lips and under my nose turned blue, my hands froze up and refused to work anymore and everything except my face turned to ice. My face on the other hand was so hot from the sudden adrenaline that when I touched my face my hands actually stung my cheeks. Right now as I write this my vision is blurring very slightly. Now, I semi-understand why this is happening. I am talking about something personal and terrible that happened and my brain does not want to conceive it. At the time, I was absolutely terrified and no one was with me. I had no electricity and couldn't call anyone. I was alone and thought for sure I was dying rapidly. I fell down the stairs outside of my apartment, trying to get to my neighbor to use their phone. The sudden sensations in pain and the feeling of needing to rush caused everything to explode in untold amounts of terror, panic and surreal feelings of death actually taking hold of me. My boyfriend at the time suddenly was there and I was on the phone with 911. I can't really remember much after that and dare not pry too much. I have tried a lot of things since then. Pills make everything much MUCH worse. Some people affiliate their trauma with certain things. For a very long time mine was household items that could poison me and the very sight of rust sent me into a fit I couldn't control. I am lucky. Some people have it so bad that their body is in constant pain. When these attacks take hold of your body, it is like every muscle is trying to work itself out as fast as it can without your doing. You cannot control it sometimes. I guess it is like a seizure, I don't know for sure about that though. I don't spasm most of the time, it's just a very hard shivering or I cannot move at all.
Why am I telling you this.
I want to get better. I need to do better. I need to better myself. For my friends.
I want to help out. I cannot see well and I need help doing something about it. They have their hands tied with rent, food and helping to take care of each other. I want to do something that helps as well. I don't want to sell my brain to some lawyers and get a check because I cannot work like normal, happy wonderful people. I'm going to help them any way I can. If I can add some of my personal memories to some one else's life and make someone else happy with something that has made me happy as well, that would be the best thing for me.
People ask me what kind of memory problems I have specifically so I will try to answer that here. Hopefully people will read at least this bit and I will not have to repeat it too much (although with how many times I have had to talk about it in the last 6 years it has helped me remember my speech! lol)
Years ago I had a massive panic attack. My brain was under a lot of unusual stress and on top of that we were in the middle of a drought, we had no food and I had been drinking heavily. My best friend had just lost his mother and a few months before that, I said goodbye to my father. I was 19 at the time. Mentally I was not prepared for everything that happened. I was too young to understand that I was dealing with my feelings the wrong way and was actually making things worse. Basically what happened is this. My brain told my body I was dying, very fast. I was unable to comprehend this. My blood started to rocket through me as my pulse went too fast suddenly. My lips and under my nose turned blue, my hands froze up and refused to work anymore and everything except my face turned to ice. My face on the other hand was so hot from the sudden adrenaline that when I touched my face my hands actually stung my cheeks. Right now as I write this my vision is blurring very slightly. Now, I semi-understand why this is happening. I am talking about something personal and terrible that happened and my brain does not want to conceive it. At the time, I was absolutely terrified and no one was with me. I had no electricity and couldn't call anyone. I was alone and thought for sure I was dying rapidly. I fell down the stairs outside of my apartment, trying to get to my neighbor to use their phone. The sudden sensations in pain and the feeling of needing to rush caused everything to explode in untold amounts of terror, panic and surreal feelings of death actually taking hold of me. My boyfriend at the time suddenly was there and I was on the phone with 911. I can't really remember much after that and dare not pry too much. I have tried a lot of things since then. Pills make everything much MUCH worse. Some people affiliate their trauma with certain things. For a very long time mine was household items that could poison me and the very sight of rust sent me into a fit I couldn't control. I am lucky. Some people have it so bad that their body is in constant pain. When these attacks take hold of your body, it is like every muscle is trying to work itself out as fast as it can without your doing. You cannot control it sometimes. I guess it is like a seizure, I don't know for sure about that though. I don't spasm most of the time, it's just a very hard shivering or I cannot move at all.
Why am I telling you this.
I want to get better. I need to do better. I need to better myself. For my friends.
I want to help out. I cannot see well and I need help doing something about it. They have their hands tied with rent, food and helping to take care of each other. I want to do something that helps as well. I don't want to sell my brain to some lawyers and get a check because I cannot work like normal, happy wonderful people. I'm going to help them any way I can. If I can add some of my personal memories to some one else's life and make someone else happy with something that has made me happy as well, that would be the best thing for me.
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